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Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives ReviewSome things said simply are more powerful thanks to their simplicity. This book provides a forceful, unflinching description of how people who are raised in a dysfunctional or abusive environment often sabotage and cripple their lives. The structure of the book is straightforward. The situations Mellody discusses are often sound sadly ordinary rather than extraordinary. But the resulting emotional resonance of this book is undeniable.
Mellody methodically dissects the disorder she calls codependency. She first explains how when working with addicted individuals as a nurse in a recovery center in Arizona she saw a repeated pattern of dysfunctional behavior in individuals and their families that went beyond the addictions for which the individuals were being treated. Her work there and her own personal development led to the conclusions in this book. (One of the wonderful aspects of the book is that when Mellody talks about codependents and their behavior) she does not speak condescendingly about "those codependents", but rather uses examples that begin with "I" or "us." This creates a powerful intimacy.
There are four main sections to the book. The first section details what she sees as the core symptoms of codependency: difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, difficulty setting functional boundaries, difficulty owning and expressing one's own reality, difficulty taking care of one's adult needs and wants, and difficulty behaving moderately. The second section details how dysfunctional family can push a child (whom Mellody describes as inherently valuable, vulnerable, imperfect, dependent, and immature) into codependency. The third section describes the many kinds of abuse (most of which are not obviously traumatizing on first review) that can push an individual, particularly a child toward codependency. And the last section provides a very preliminary road map to healing codependency: the first step she argues is an awareness of one's codependent state, and second step is a desire to change.
The book addresses well struggles that are an issue for many/most people. It touches on feelings that make books like "The Prince of Tides" and Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child" resonant for so many. Here the presentation of more clinical, but not necessarily any less moving. I have two main complaints with the book. First, I don't think the term "codependent" does justice to the broad variety of symptoms that Mellody covers. In fact, I think the title of book alone might dissuade people who otherwise benefit from reading the book. I don't have a wonderful alternative, but I think a title like "Facing Dysfunctional Behavior" or "Facing Self-sabotaging Behavior" would be more accurate. Second, as in many of the twelve-step programs, Mellody consider a "Higher Power" an element in addressing codependent behavior. In reading the book I saw no reason to bring in this concept, and doing so might limit the applicability of these insight to those who are so predisposed. A good, and surprisingly powerful, little powerful book.
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